Last one awake.
Im making homemade tacos, setting myself a spot on my couch, and turning on NetFlix.
Lonely day number howmanyever is still underway.
Im making homemade tacos, setting myself a spot on my couch, and turning on NetFlix.
Lonely day number howmanyever is still underway.
All I needed was a person to be there to listen to my woes, have a calming voice and just let me cry. That never happened. No one was there. Everything came to a screeching halt when I woke up crying. And again, when I broke down at dinner. Feeling lost in all the life around me, where having nothing to support. Not good. And I still have no voice.
I owe over $1500 for emergency room, walk-in clinic, medical exam, and evaluation visits! My insurance paid half, so that’s cool, right? Maybe the next thing(s) that will happen to me are; my car explodes, I finally die, or I find out that my family actually does hate me for needing so much help from them whilst being an asshole and dying. Maybe I can finally have a good enough paycheck where the $769.09 that needs to be paid right away, CAN BE paid right away, but who am I kidding? I don’t get paid enough for that!
I love my life.
Fuck.
It was worse today. I knew me feeling well in the morning was a bad omen. The progression from 4 to 10 over less than three hours was ridiculous.
I’m glad you helped me. It didn’t seem like you did, what with you silently freaking out across from me, but even then you calmed me down. I tried to hide my shaking from you and Tom, but you still saw. I wanted to leave so much sooner, but you two were having such a great time. I couldn’t have cut your time with your brother short, just because of me…I’d hate myself for that if I did…
Dinner was amazing, besides the fact of my tremors. I love spending time with you and Tom, its always a pleasure. I’m sorry if I brought it down with my blank stare, meandering conversations, and all-in-all paleness. The dude and the waitress highlight of my week, besides actually seeing you. I really hope that she won’t get killed from him. I wish I could go with you again to see more of it.
Driving back to my place, was probably the hardest thing I’ve done, besides the other episode. Seeing you shit down in front of me. Sitting there quietly, barely answering me… it breaks my heart that that affects you so. I wasn’t stalling to remember what Blue Valentine was about, I couldn’t remember what we were talking about, or what I was even doing. I hadn’t the heart to tell you then because it would have affected you more. That was the start of the second episode… faster and faster my heart raced. It could have been from the double shot, but who knows for sure. I ask you if your okay, to hide the fact that I’m freaking out again. I throw away our cups, as my hands shake. We hug, and I don’t want it to end. You grip me tighter, as I try to catch my breath. You shiver in the cold air, but I hold tighter. No words exchagned, just another hug. And another. You moved in closer, and I couldn’t handle it. I ask if you would to see me again within the next week, or tomorrow, and without a beat, you say yes. I loved it. I will always make time for you. Always and forever. You shiver more, and we say you should probably go home, after another hug… We go through my apartment, and to the front portch, and then it hits me. Like a fucking freight train. How and why is it happening to me again? I was doing so well for most of the day, and then this. We hug for a fourth or fifth time, I can’t remember which, and I can’t catch my breath. Gasping in your ear, like some kind of neaderthal, heart beating as if Avengened Sevenfold was holding a private concert, its just not the same without Jimmy. You tighten your grip, like you were losing me at that moment. I lost my grip, until you held even more tightly and readjusted your head. I could tell you didn’t want to let go, and neither did I, but I couldn’t help it. One more hug, and you were off. We give our condolences and part our ways.
We text 20 minutes later, thanking each other for the night and staying. It happens a third time, but not like the others. This one is bad. Huge. Fucked up everything. I don’t know if you saved my texts but if you did, goddamn what a horrible memory to keep. Luckily it ended as fast as it started. You tell me not to worry about texting you, and that you can’t do anything from your dad’s. I insist that you still help as I’m getting my vitals checked. Everything has died down, way better than before. The next thing melted me; ‘when can I see you again.’ Aww, Girlie, you never have to ask…’Whenever you want. I will always make time for you. Always and forever.’ After more texts, you making sure I’m alright, and if we can see each other, you ask if its alright if you went to bed. Like I would force you to stay awake, suffer with me, and be miserable yourself. You say it first, and call me Jase…
That makes up for all the pain I’ve been in throughout the past two weeks.
I’ve been thinking about the end game recently. The fact that all things come to an end. Life itself dies just as fast as it births. The relationships you have made, and all the outcomes of your actions. The fragility of a person, no matter the exterior, and how harsh things can really be.
I’m sorry if I seem clingy or needy, but this is the only way people listen to me. I need someone to talk to, to cry at, to just listen to me. Lie to me and tell me that everything will be alright. I haven’t stopped shaking for two hours now… No one is paying attention to my cries for help. I can’t bother the one person I want to talk to about this, because they either are busy, distracted, distant, or preoccupied.
I’m just whining my way through this.
I just would like some company…that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I seem even more obnoxious and annoying admitting that. I don’t deserve the time I’ve been given in the world.
So, I’m tired of making her worried. I’m tired of having her and anyone else’s opinion about me be worth more than mine. I’m changing it.
Right now as I type this, I’m still thinking no one fucking cares about me, but fuck them. I’m awesome. I’m totally going to keep my head high with this. I am a great person that has shitty things happen to him, but still is an awesome person while it happens.
I’m sorry Kelci for ever having to depend on you and your compliments of me. I was wrong to ever have to do so. I know I have problems, and I know you worry and pray for me, but that will change.
So, I am applying for a new job tonight, which will hopefully help my outlook. Its a full dollar higher than my current pay, alongside with better benefits, hours, and possibly a better work environment. I’m really excited to get away from this place and all the shit it has caused me and my friends, and hope that this will be the jump start to a better me.
I’m sorry for anyone whom is reading this that has ever read my bullshit, but hey, at least you can say there’s some fucked up people on the internet. And to that, I will say yeah, there is, you fucking voyeur!
I’m a pretty trustworthy guy. You ask me to keep a secret, and I do, regardless of how horrible it is, how dangerous the situation you are putting yourself in, or whatever. I really really hate being lied to, even with white lies, I get really upset over.
I admit, in the past, I was a compulsive liar and I now know how bad it is to lie to people, even if its for their own good. I don’t want to revert back to that shitty person just trying to get attention and making it look like I have game. I don’t have game, I don’t have style, and I especially don’t want to be that little attention whore again.
I have been lied to repeatedly in the past and have suffered from it on a drastic scale so I now am completely straightforward and to the point. I don’t tend to hide what I think of a person or how things should go, and I expect some people to do the same when it comes to me. If you don’t want to talk, tell me, if you don’t want to do this, tell me, if you don’t want me to do that, tell me, and so on. Don’t tell me that you’re going to go somewhere immediately when we are doing stuff together, and just leave me hanging around for you, and then half an hour later doing something completely different just to get rid of me. Tell me straight up that you don’t want to keep hanging out and you’d rather do something else instead. It will either bother me, if I’m totally into whatever we are doing or just enjoying the company of the person, or I’d totally be okay with it and just move on.
But, then again, people don’t care and I still have a huge dislike for them so I guess its just a ‘whatever’ type of situation. I know I’m coming off as some kind of nosy dick, but, hey, at least I’m telling you about it. I have enough respect for you to tell you, and I expect the same from you for me.