I keep thinking about the end, and I don’t know how to put it into words. I mean, its all the regular thoughts I have going through my head;
I love her so much, I need to stay, I want to stay, who really cares, what would happen if I were to go, would that change things, I now know and understand why that is how it is but wish it were different right now, it makes sense for you to think like that, what would it be like if I didn’t not give a fuck, how long would it take to affect people, does it really matter, why is it that as soon as we start talking about it it is almost immediately changed to something else, I could just totally not be here right now, I want it all to stop just for a little bit so I can smile again…
but it’s still unfathomable, the idea, anyway. Every little detail that I once could recite are becoming my worst enemy in the battle of my mind. I can’t concentrate worth shit, I ramble, mutter, yell, twitch, shake, zone out, and worst of all, deny. Deny how important how her support is. I question it constantly when I should be praising it. The only one who can talk to me about it, be it little and sparse. If it isn’t extremely hard on me, its tenfold worse on her.
Even now, I’m more concerned for her well being than my own, but that is how it will always be. It was meant to be like that. Ever since we met/found each other, that was always the thing. I care that our relationship isn’t official like dating, but when we have deeper connections than that, does it really matter? I trust her more than my own brother. I have given her all my secrets, and hope and trust she can do the same with me.
Call it whatever you want, but she is my world, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Call us whatever you want, but she and I know what we are. We just can’t admit it right now.
I lay in bed at night trying to imagine the world for her, and I can’t. Not just without me, but just period. She wouldn’t be here if I weren’t. Vice versa.
She said she loves me more. Impossible.
It will be hell when I go, and I won’t be able to do anything about it. That’s the only thing I’m worried about. Her…